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So, as I'm sure you know by now, my name is Michele Boone, I'm 53 years old. I'm a mom, wife, sister, friend, aunt and nana (those last two roles are my favorite....shhh). I've lived a life, that though I'm sure others had it harder, was definitely not very easy most of the time. But I'm not one to blame childhood trauma for adult issues, so we will start my journey at 15 when I went to live with my grandparents, again.
I had lived with them from sometime in my infancy until I was 5 yrs old. (oh yeah and my dad was killed in a car accident when I was 4, he was 24) Then I lived with my mother, and her husband from the age of 5 to 15, then, I ran away from home, and went to live with my grandparents once again. My time with my Grandparents was good, I had a LOT of newfound freedom, and for a time was happy. Then I got pregnant at 17, and I was over the moon. All I had ever wanted was to be a mom. I had been taking care of other people's children since I was 12 years old. I loved kids and the thought of having my own baby, while scary as it was, gave me a rush for life I'd never had before.
So in May of 1989, I turned 18, a couple of days later I graduated high school, and two weeks later I had a beautiful baby boy. And so, began adulthood, and motherhood. As I started my journey as a new mom, which also meant getting a real job, that paid more than a dollar an hour. Depression started to slowly creep in... and so began the up and down journey of antidepressants, doctors, and days that felt like I'd be better off dead.
Don't get me wrong, I had thought about suicide since I was old enough to understand what it meant. I even, sort of, tried once when I was 14. I had terrible migraines from the age of 5 (about the time my mom married her new hubby) until I was in my 40's, so one day during a particularly horrible migraine, I decided I just couldn't take the constant pain anymore (I had headaches like 4-6 days a week most of my life... and I mean drop you to your knees headaches). I saw all my mom's medications, I knew there were migraine pills in the mix, but I wanted to never have to deal with a headache, or the things going on at home ever again, so I took one of everything she had up there and went to bed. Hoping to never wake up again... or to at the very least not have a headache anymore. Clearly, I didn't die, and I still had the damn headache. I thought, great, not only am I still in pain, but I also can't even kill myself right, I really am a horrible person, and no good, and worthless, just like they tell me and make me feel.
After that, it was really just figuring out how to get out of that house.
Ok, let's get back to the story, just had to throw a little history in for reference. Sorry.
When I was 20 I met a 25 yr old man. He was cute and sweet...and an alcoholic. But I thought I could change him, or save him, or some silly things like that. But I was young, and didn't realize you can't save someone, who refuses to save themselves. Our relationship was toxic and volatile. We fought like pro boxers. Sadly, looking back on those times now, I realize many of the fist fights were started by me...at least the physical part of the fight. He would do or say something that would just infuriate me so much. He in his drunken stoper and me trying to keep him safe and from looking like a damn fool in front of half the town. I would just snap and see black and just be swinging and punching, I regret those times now. I had so much rage in me, and he just brought it out of me. He died a cpl years ago. 56 yrs old, drank himself to death. Alcoholism is just a symptom of severe depression. Please seek help if you are struggling with Alcoholism.
So after 6 years with him, the last 3 of those married to him, I met the love of my life. A woman, who changed my whole world, as I did hers. My Hubs and I divorced, and My wife and I went on to raise our 3 kids together, her 2, my 1. We have been together 26 years now; we have had a lot of trials and tribulations over our 26 years. We always seem to make it through, and I never thought I would ever have a breaking point, that was until I did. On June 11'th 2023, I had already been in a depressed state for a few weeks, life was wearing on me hard, stuff at home, stuff with my son who doesn't speak to me and who's birthday is June 12th, I just was down... and then my wife started in on me, and it set me over the edge. It doesn't matter now what she said, or why she said it... but her words that day fueled an anger in me I had never had before. I thought fine, I'm the problem, I'm the reason everything in our lives is wrong, great, no worries, I will relieve you of this problem right now. So, with my wife sitting right there, I opened my blood pressure medicine, and started taking a handful at a time, by the 3rd or 4th handful, she noticed what I was doing, and started yelling at me. I grabbed my bag and started to walk to the park. I was so pissed off in that moment, God himself couldn't have stopped me from taking those pills. My sadness was gone, and pure anger filled the core of my being. By the time I made it to the park, the cops, my wife and neighbor, and the ambulance were already there. Once I got into the Ambulance I have no memory until the next day sometime in the afternoon.
Which leads us to why I want to raise awareness about how Suicide survivors are treated, once the come t too. First let me apologize to the nursing staff for my unruly behavior as I was "waking up", I had no idea where I was, why I was tied down, why everyone seemed to be yelling at me, and being short tempered with me, and I also didn't know it's normal for people to rage when they come out of an overdose coma. You would think the Hospital psychiatrist would know though, wouldn't you? The hospital Psychiatrist should not be in her position. From the moment I was conscious she started badgering me with questions, very condescending, and rude in her demeanor. After 2 days of her just being rude to me, I asked that she not be allowed in my room anymore. She immediately retaliated by getting a court order and having me removed from the hospital and sent to the worst "Mental Hospital" she could find. I was supposed to be in the hospital for another 24 hours. Instead, they brought an officer to my room, which they said was standard procedure, then with nothing more than a hospital gown, a sheet and a pair of socks, they walked me down the hall, then put me in handcuffs, put me in the back of a police car and then transported me, in cuffs, to the mental facility. I was made to keep the cuffs on until they checked me in. Let me explain that I'm fat, and had no clothes on and nothing in my possession, why is this the standard policy?
At the so-called mental hospital, there was no therapy, no counseling, no help for a way forward. If you did see the "doctor" it was about a 30 second interaction where he said Hi, how are you today, and then went on. I was forced to take doses of Insulin, that I was not on at the time, because the aids are not trained in proper bloods sugar checking. The let you drink or eat something then take your blood sugar immediately after and then give you insulin. That's a false reading, but the aids don't even know that, and the 1 or 2 actual nurses that worked there didn't even realize that was happening until I brought it up.
These patients at this facility received substandard care at best. The nurses asked me if I would come back and work there, because I helped the other patients in my ward more than the people who actually worked there.
At the end of my stay, i had a 15 min interview with a psychologist, after explaining why I was there, these are the things he said to me.
"Sounds to me like your mother-in-law would be better off dead", "Why would you want to go home, nothing is ever going to change for you there". And last but not least, when I mentioned that I might pursue becoming a counselor, he said, and I quote " I had several friends that were wired like you, and they became counselors, and they all killed themselves, so you might want to rethink that".
So my mission is to raise awareness about this kind of mis treatment and stigma, and the issues facing suicide survivors, and anyone dealing with mental health issues. This kind of substandard care cannot keep being the norm.
In the US,
- 1 in 5 Adults (22.8%) experience mental illness in a given year.
- 1 in 20 adults (5.5%) experience serious mental illness
- 1 in 6 youth (16.5%) experience a mental health disorder
- 700,000 people a year take their own life.
- Over 50% of adults with mental illness do not receive treatment. This equates to about 28 million adults in the United States.
- Several factors contribute to this: lack of awareness or understanding of mental health conditions.
- Stigma associated with seeking help, or taking meds
- Finacial barriers, lack of insurance and high costs
If you would like to join me in trying to make a change for those suffering from mental health issues and helping raise awareness and showing survivors a way forward through walking and other outdoor activities. Please leave a comment. I would like to see Walking with a Purpose grow and help as many people as it can. This is now about so much more than just my journey to the AT... It's about helping others heal and grow and advocating for better mental health care for everyone in need.
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